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A Christmas Tail

donkey

That evening?

It wasn’t something you noticed at first. Yes, it didn’t seem real but it was Christmas time for fucks sake! People do strange things, dress up in costumes. Santa, elves, you know. Feckin Dath Vader even!  Why wouldn’t they dress up as a donkey with the mangers and that all around town?

But then there was the accident on Dawson Street. Jesus, it was awful. A 46A bus – with roads covered in snow and ice now right?- something jumped out in front of it and the driver swung the bus up on the path, with all the shoppers there…Jesus…he managed to avoid hitting it but the bus kept on sliding down the road and smashed into another few cars and there were people screaming, leaping to get out-of-the-way but some of them…women, kids…they didn’t make it. It was fuckin awful! The last  thing you want to see at this time of year, blood on the snow.

The bus came to a halt eventually and the city seemed to just stop with it. There were still men and women screaming, workers coming out from the cafes and shops looking on, gawking , some of them trying to help those who were injured or in shock. Someone was ringing my phone. My wife calling probably to see if I was alright. But I didn’t answer.

Everyone was staring at the centre of the road, the cause of it all. Fuck Marks & Sparks! Forget the shopping! What had the driver seen? Fuck, it must have been something to startle him like that no? I thought it was some feckin eejit in a donkey costume. I mean he was standing on his hind legs. He seemed grand, not a mark on him. He turned towards me, looked at me and his eyes moved. What the fuck? Like it was one of those animatronic thingys they use in films like but where the fuck were the cameras. This has to be a movie or something right? Yeah, this is an action scene they are shooting or something. But the blood? The panic? No, this was too real. And then, this walking ass open it’s mouth…..what? it made that sound that donkeys usually make sure, except this sound could crack glass, i swear! Loud, deep, full of…i don’t know….anger. That’s the only way I can describe it! Agressive, angry. I was transfixed by it. Fear, disbelief, i couldn’t feckin move.

As it made its strange way towards me, i could see it was carrying something. Its feet. Its hooves. No. They had changed. It was holding a gun. A machine gun. One of them Uzi type guns we had toys of when we were kids. No way. No fucking way. Wake me up. Jesus. Wake me up. Donkeys with machine guns. In Dublin city centre. At Christmas time. This thing pointed the gun in the air and make no mistake, it was no bleedin toy. Firing off rounds it was. I crouched on the ground like everyone else, instinct kicking in. A young lad and his girlfriend were to the other side of me lookin terrified, about to wet themselves. They looked at me briefly as if I had any answers. What the fuck could I, a mere salaryman of the civil service do in this situation? He finished firing and then there was an unholy, womanly scream. I looked up again. He had some bloke, a bit rotund you know and in his christmas gear, hat and jumper, the usual festive shite. It was a few seconds before I copped on it was the Santa from Stephens Green! It pointed the Uzi at his head and then….

May God strike me down and make my kids orphans, i shit you not, it….it spoke! Not the braying anymore, real vocabulary, the full Kings English! You have the footage now right? You must have heard them talking? Yeah, freaky. Like watching a nightmare unfold, Unnatural. It said something about years of oppression, poverty, maltreatment at the hands of man…wanting to end the cyclical abuse of the Christmas season…being humiliated in nativity plays, mangers the world over in the name of glorifying a corrupt homosapien religion…cruelty and abuse without reason…time for them to rise up from their stinking barns and declare their freedom once and for all…it was time for man to receive the ultimate Ass-kicking! Then he shot Santa in the head. True story. My kids are gonna be well upset when they find out. You can’t protect them from this studd with the internet, cameras everywhere. It’s fucked. Christmas is well and truly fucked!

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